Wednesday wobbles

Thanks everyone for all the comments on last week's hats - I really had great fun with them! I think I'll have to make another for a friend of Alexander's who has a birthday in August.

This week I’ve joined the Giant Granny CAL on Sucrette’s blog - I’m calling this my Third Time Lucky blanket!

In October 2010, it looked like this –



Then it grew bigger, but I didn’t like the way it was lying (and who wants to block a giant granny hexagon), so I frogged it and started again. I started again with a slightly different hexagon design, but I didn’t like it either and ripped it out too.

So now, I’m on to the Third Time Lucky! Wonder how big it’ll get this time?

Here’s something else I’ve been doing - Iona really likes these, particularly the pink ones!

Last week’s granny squares have now entered the experimental stage – I’m waiting to see how they work out, and the hairy things are multiplying but still kicking about the car until I decide there are enough of them!

Finally, something momentous has been going on in our house over the last couple of weeks.

She looks extremely wobbly, but she’s actually very good at keeping her balance!

At 13 months, she’s 3 months ahead of her big brother and 5 months ahead of her big sister! She’s just desperate to keep up with everyone else! And now that she’s on the go, she just won’t sit still - it can be really difficult to prepare her meals when she keeps getting up and tottering across the kitchen!

Well done Niamh!

Mummys love

There's an apostrophe missing somewhere!

Mummy's love - love of a mother?
Mummy's love - Mummy is love?
Mummys' love - love of all mothers?

Mummys (plural) love (verb)?

Take your pick.

I made the above over the weekend - aren't they cute? I suppose they're a kind of substitute for this which I love, but somehow, I don't want to buy for myself (but anyone's welcome to give me it as a present). Somehow, it just doesn't seem like the sort of thing I should be spending money on.

Anyway, the dolls above were crocheted using 4 ply yarn following the Mummy's Love pattern by Simple Arts Planet.

Then, I was reading Kitty's blog post this morning and thinking about being a mother and also the things it seems to be easier to share online than with 'real' people. (Not that people online aren't 'real' too, of course, but how to distinguish between poeple you know online and those you know in person?)

It got me thinking, yet again, about something I've been sort of meaning to blog about for a long time. Even now, as I think I'm ready to write about this, something still makes me pause and I'm not sure what.

It is something I want to share, I think I just don't want to sound too self pitying, self centred or sorry for myself. That's not why I want to write this.

I want to write this to tell other people out there that there is hope, that post natal depression doen not have to take over your life.

There - I've said it - post natal depression. I suffered from post natal depression following the births of both my children. With Alexander, it was untreated and is the one reason why I only have 2 children and why there is a 7 and a half year gap between them. With Iona, I knew that I didn't want to go through it all again, so I admitted to it and was treated.

Looking back to last year after Iona's birth, for the first couple of weeks I felt like the stuffing had been completely knocked out of me due to the hormonal changes. I could very easily have spent the entire 2 weeks in tears. After that, I began to love being at home and being able to spend all my time with my little baby.

But by the time Iona got to about 6 weeks, I was starting to have the same feelings I'd had when Alexander was a baby. I would spend my day in a constant state of panic. If she was asleep - what would I do if she woke up? If she was awake what would I do if she cried? How on earth could I cope? Goodness only knows why I felt like this, but it was exactly the same with Alexander. And at the same time, I knew that I had no need to feel like that. Both my babies were (and still are) good natured, they wouldn't cry for no reason and if you dealt with that reason, they would stop crying and be smiley little babies again. But the endless worry and panic took all the pleasure out of being with them and with being a mother.

So last year, early on while the hormones were still mucking me about and I was feeling pretty awful anyway, I spoke to my health visitor. And she listened and was very good and kept a lookout for me over the next few weeks. And when the anxiety and depression returned, she sent me straight to the doctor who put me straight on medication.

I was completely and utterly astounded at the difference it made. I went from a vague hope that the medication would make me feel at least a little better, to having the anxiety and depression removed completely. Suddenly, I loved every second I spent with Iona. I went from thinking maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mother to absolutely loving it. I loved the time I had at home being a full time mum and joining in the school run with Alexander.

I would dearly love to have another child, but it won't happen for a variety of reasons. But at least, this time, post natal depression isn't one of them.

So if anyone reading this suspects that they or someone they know is struggling with post natal depression, please act on it - it could make an enormous difference.

From here to eternity

From



To



in 12 short months!

Where did the last year go? Can anyone tell me? Even Alexander is convinced that Iona arrived only 3 or 4 months ago! So how come we all celebrated her 1st birthday over the weekend?


I know I'm biased, but isn't she just gorgeous?

One month already!

I can't believe it - my baby is one month old already! Where has the time gone? I feel like I lost the first 2 weeks feeling completely overwhelmed by everything and struggling to cope. I'm feeling a lot better now and can even start to enjoy spending time with Iona.


Iona keeps us busy vainly attempting to persuade her to sleep - she must be laughing at our efforts as she doesn't seem to have any intention of sleeping during the day. I struggled with that when Alexander was small too, I could never work out how to entertain a small baby who wouldn't sleep. I find it very frustrating too not having any time to myself - doing baby 24/7 is hard work! All I really want is maybe half an hour's stitching time every day or two - very therapeutic!

Anyway, not a lot else going on here and I'm reduced to one-handed blogging this morning (baby perched on the other arm), so here's a selection of photos of what we've been doing over the last week or two.

MTM part 4 finish

As it says in the title, I've now finished part 4 of Chatelaine's Medieval Town Mandala.


I was three quarters done when Iona was born and finished the fourth side on Monday. I've now made a good start to part 5 - I've been really looking forward to the turquoise silks in part 5, so I'm going to enjoy this one!

Iona is doing really well and is a wonderful wee girl. I just wish she would settle a bit easier and sleep better. Sometimes it feels like a real fight to get her to go to sleep, even though she cries and cries and you can hear in her voice just how tired she is. Some days it's a struggle to get her to sleep at all for more than 15 minutes at a time between early morning and late evening, and wants to be held and cuddled all the time, so it can be heavy going!

However, it's still early days - she'll only be 3 weeks old tomorrow! I can't believe where the time has gone already, sometimes I feel like the time is running away from me and I haven't been paying attention. I want to be able to savour every second.

Alexander, my son, is beeing really good too. I think at first after Iona and I came home, he felt rather neglected, but he can see now how much attention a baby needs but also we're trying very hard to keep to his normal routine, so he still gets time to snuggle in bed with me at the end of the day.


A big thank you to everybody who commented on my previous post and for all the good wishes. I promise to vist all your blogs and thank you all individually over the next week or two.

Iona

.... is my daughter's name.


Isn't she beautiful? She arrived just before lunchtime last Friday, via c-section as planned and weighing 6lb 6.5oz or 2.9kg. We are both well and came home on Monday. Now we're all just getting used to doing what needs doing.


I've got to a stage where I need to connect more with the things I was doing before she arrived - including my stitching and blogging. It would be far too easy to let Iona take over my life, but I feel that if I do that then I'll end up as depressed and isolated as I was last time and I swear I never want to go there again. I'd like to be able to enjoy the time I have with her.

Still here

So I'm still here and still waiting. I had the membrane sweep last Thursday, but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. The latest news is that if nothing happens before this Friday, I'll be going into hospital then for a caesarian.

The caesarian is by my own choice, not dictated by medical need, but weighing up the options, I believe it's the best choice for me and my family. If I had chosen induction, then it could still have been 24 hours or more and I could still have ended up needing a caesarian. The risks associated with a normal birth after a previous caesarian are also greater for induction.

To me the main advantages in having the caesarian are in the control we (me, DH and DS) have over what happens on the day. I'll go into hospital early on Friday morning and the baby should be with us by the time DS comes out of school on Friday afternoon - meaning minimal disruption for DS and I don't need to worry about where he's going to be and who's going to look after him while I'm in hospital. I also feel more comfortable for DH coming with me for the caesarian - he can be very squeamish and hates hospitals, and I was never entirely sure how he would react to being with me in labour. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it would be a major problem, it was just an unknown factor, and something else I would worry about. With the caesarian, we at least know what we're letting ourselves in for.

Do I sound as if I've persuaded myself that I've made the right decision yet?

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In the meantime, here are some photos of another box I've made - I think I like this one even better than the last one.


I chose this design as I wanted to have a go at the folded patchwork lid - I've never done anything like that before and I'm rather pleased with the end result. The folded patchwork was quite straightforward, but a bit fiddly and I cheated, using fabric glue rather than stitching each little fabric triangle in place individually.

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I'd like to thank everybody who has been leaving comments and good wishes. I'm really grateful for every kind word and all your support. I'm not sure when I'll get the chance to blog next, perhaps not for a couple of weeks. Hopefully things will settle enough after that!

Edgy

I'm just back from the hospital today and feeling rather edgy. I hadn't intended to blog, but sometimes it's better to let it out than keep it in. It would be nice to be able to talk to my mother or sister about this sort of thing, but somehow when I talk to them, they both manage to say completely the wrong thing and just wind me up. They make me feel like having a normal birth is the only realistic option, and having a caesarian would be some kind of failure.

Anyway, my due date is tomorrow, 9th April, so I've made it! I don't think I really expected to last this long. At the same time, it all feels rather unreal, and the prospect of actually going into labour is a bit scary. I'll be speaking to my midwife tomorrow and the doctor at the hospital has recommended that we arrange a membrane sweep which could get things started within 48 hours.

I don't know why I'm worrying in a way. After all, going into labour is the normal outcome of becoming pregnant. The prospect of having the membrane sweep somehow just makes things feel that bit more imminent. And once I go into labour, I feel like I'm not in control any more. Maybe that's the bit that bothers me most - I am a bit of a control freak!

My blood pressure has also been rising over the last week or so, and if it continues to rise, then there's also the possibility that things may be taken out of my hands from that perspective.

On the other hand, if nothing happens by next Tuesday I'll be back at the hospital discussing my options for induction or caesarian. If given the choice at that point, I may just opt for the caesarian.

In the mean time, I'm still playing the waiting game. I wish I could settle down to a nice bit of stitching, but can't think of anything I feel like working on. Maybe I'll go and do some baking.

Brief update

Things are fairly quiet here at the moment - the calm before the storm, I suppose. I finished work last Thursday so have had a quiet week at home this week. I've been trying to keep myself organised and do a few small tasks each day.

I've found it quite strange using the internet at home! Usually, I do most of my internet stuff from work where I'm connected to the internet as soon as I log on. At home, I've only been used to popping on for the odd few minutes here and there. So I've had to train myself to take my time!

I've also spent a lot of time working on my sister's ring pillow and am really pleased with the way things are going, but no photos yet. It would be useful to get this finished before the baby arrives as I have no idea what time I'll have for that sort of thing after! I've also done a little stitching here and there, mainly on MTM and Lizzie's RR where I'm stitching LHN's Julia Flynn.

As I don't have any stitching photos to share today, I though I'd share one of me and my bump! Following Monkee Maker's recommendation, one of the things I've done this week is to install Picasa on my pc and I've been playing around with that, resulting in this collage.


37 weeks and all's well!

And now for something completely different .....

I've spent far too much time recently drooling over some gorgeous needlepoint and, needing more of a fix, stitched up this.

This is Winter Snowflakes from Kick Back & Stitch. It wasn't too complicated and fun to stitch up, using some fibres, Neon Rays in particular, that I hadn't used before.





I don't use a laying tool, generally railroading does it for me, but I did need a little help to make sure these Neon Rays (ribbon) Rhodes stitches lay correctly. And in good light, the Neon Rays ribbon really glows!

And I do love the eight pointed star in the middle.

I don't know how I'm going to finish it - an ornament? A box top? I feel in need of something that's really going to help show off the sparkle (which doesn't come across in the photos), but am lacking inspiration at present. Anyone have any good ideas?

I'm now thinking about signing up for Gay Ann Rogers new Mystery in a Corner. The older mysteries (Glittering Diamonds and Mystery with a Little Bit of Glitz) are just gorgeous and I'd love to get my hands on them, especially Glittering Diamonds!

I've been a little distracted over the last couple of weeks watching my blood pressure going up and down and up and down, never the same two days in a row. But yesterday I was back at the hospital getting the good news that they're quite happy with how things are with me. I just need to remind myself that, although my blood pressure has been up, it's not consistently too high (just all over the place). Long may that continue!

Now I just need to get organised to slow down and finish up at work.

With everything that's going on right now, blogging is feeling like less of a priority, but I'm determined to keep at it as I don't want to loose touch with everybody out there in Internet-land. I suppose that I'm just getting to a point where having a baby just takes priority. So I'm sorry I'm not taking so much time these days to keep up with everybody's blogs and not commenting as I maybe should. I also owe a couple of people emails which I've been very bad at replying to. Hopefully I'll do that this week now that I feel a bit better about the BP situation.

Now all I need to find is some comfortable clothes!

Pressure's rising

... my blood pressure, that is It's been gradually going up and up over the last 2 or 3 weeks. This week it's got to the borderline stage where I'm having to repeat readings and rest in between. Not the simplest thing to do while I'm at work, but at least they're sympathetic.

Generally, however, I still feel fine, if very tired. I feel as if suddenly everything's catching up with me - I'm starting to realise just how tired I am and that I really need to slow down. Easier said than done, of course!

I just want to make it through to next Tuesday when I have my next hospital appointment. I feel that after that I can work out how to take things forward and start to think more seriously about stopping work.

Next week is also a big landmark for me as I reach the 34th week of my pregnancy. My son was born at 34 weeks, so if I get to 35, I will have been pregnant for longer than last time!

Anyway, with all that going on, I haven't been doing a lot of stitching. However, I did manage to finish this at the weekend (the knitted one, that is, the other one has to be a long term WIP! LOL).


DS was rather pleased with him and couldn't wait to introduce him to the other knitted residents of our house.



Yesterday, I finally managed to get to the post office to collect my parcel from Kae in Lucy Locket's Valentine Swap. Look at all the goodies she sent me!


She's really spoiled me including a sock person, yarn, knitted heart keyring, ric rac, ribbon and trims, and a gorgeous heart pendant! And, of course, lots of yummy chocolate. Thank you so much Kae - I love it all!

I sent her a parcel of goodies last week which included this little fob/ornament.


The large heart is based on one of the hearts from A Celebration of Love, the small hearts are just a couple of Rhodes hearts and a satin stitch/cushion heart.


(Just including this photo 'cos I like it!)

Update

I was back at the hospital this morning picking up the kit for home monitoring my blood pressure and while it was all fresh in my mind, I thought I'd give an update on my pregnancy as well as noting it down for my own benefit.

I'm now 28 weeks pregnant and with only one or two exceptions, my blood pressure has been absolutely fine! This is a big relief to me as it's one thing I have been worrying about. Last time I was on tablets for it by about 16 weeks, so things are looking good. A key date comes in 6 weeks (that all?) when I get to 34 weeks which is when the pre-eclampsia kicked in big time last time. Fingers crossed all will be well.

Generally speaking I'm feeling well too, I just get tired. Being pregnant at 40 feels like much harder work than being pregnant at 33 ever did! I have tired days when I feel like I'm going around with a lead weight strapped to my belly and I wonder how I'm going to keep going until April. In some ways, I'm glad that my job mainly involves sitting in front of a computer all day, so at least I don't have to do something physically demanding.

I got myself a rather tired and run down in the run up to Christmas and this led to my having a lot of doubts about having the baby, about its impact on me, my DH, my DS and our family as a whole. Having arrived on the other side of Christmas now, I feel a lot better about things and can see that a lot of the things I've been worrying about can't be predicted, but there's no harm in simply acknowledging that I have these concerns that can only be answered after the baby arrives.

My main worry is how my DS will react. He's so lovely as he is, I just don't want him to feel left out, rejected or disadvantaged in any way. But as long as I bear that in mind, I can take steps to try and avoid that.

DS can also be quite funny - he's asking lots of questions, like how I got the seed from Daddy to make the baby grow in my tummy. It can be quite challenging to think up answers appropriate to a 7 year old! There have been one or two occasions where I've told him that I'll answer his questions when he's older, that he doesn't need to know the answer now. To which he asks if he'll be old enough for me to tell him tomorrow?



I'm aware that recently I've been saying in posts how well my stitching has been going, but I haven't shown any stitchy pics of what I've been up to! I keep telling myself that at the end of this week, I'll have reached a point when I'm ready to share. Somehow that point just hasn't arrived yet.

I also have a big thing for Leanne's House Block of the Month Quilt - I would sooo love to make this. I like the block of the month idea, breaking it down into less intimidating chunks. But I have no idea whether I would actually get round to making it, particularly when I've never done any quilting before. But at the same time I'm sooo tempted. Having seen that Sonya is working on it, I'm so jealous!

Disappointed

When I became pregnant, I promised myself that this blog wouldn't turn into a baby blog. This blog is about my stitching and I really want it to stay that way. So if you're not interested in the baby/pregnancy stuff, feel free to ignore this post.

I had an appointment this morning at the Hypertension Clinic at my local hospital and while things are still fresh in my mind, I wanted to post my thoughts. Maybe one day they'll be helpful to someone else.

Just to start by saying that in my previous pregnancy, I had problems with high blood pressure from about 3 months and by about 4 months was on tablets for it. I had various things done/to do such as 24 hour blood pressure monitoring and self monitoring of blood pressure. Then at 34 weeks, along with the high blood pressure, I had severe pre-eclampsia (HELLP syndrome) which resulted in my having a caesarian section.

Today was my first appointment at the Hypertension Clinic which I also attended last time. I have generally found the people there much more informative and helpful than the community midwife and it was the same again today.

I was, however, very disappointed that my blood pressure is again high and until 11am tomorrow I'm having it monitored for 24 hours. That means I have a cuff around my upper arm connected to a small machine on a belt around my waist. Every half hour during the day, the machine inflates the cuff and measures my blood pressure. I'm allowed to take it off to change clothes or for a bath or shower, but I need to wear it all the time, even when I go to bed tonight. The consultant I saw today (who I'm sure I saw last time) has also said that he wants me to go on to self monitoring when I get to 24 weeks.

This is all relatively straight forward. There is nothing difficult or intrusive in either the 24 hour monitoring or the self monitoring, although I know my arm will be suffering by 11am tomorrow from squeezing of the the constant inflation/deflation.

But I am very disappointed that my blood pressure is high again so soon. I'd hoped this time I would be able to have a more 'normal' pregnancy and get to experience everything without worrying about the blood pressure and potential implications. I had my urine tested today and it showed a small amount of protein too which worries me.

The consultant also spoke to me about the possibility of having another caesarian. If my blood pressure doesn't become a significant problem and I go to full term there is every chance I'll be able to have a natural delivery. However, as soon as anything goes wrong and the doctors need to intervene, than I'll be having a caesarian.

However, with my blood pressure up again, it does increase the possibility that intervention may be required.

Overall, it was a positive, informative appointment with midwives and doctors who were interested in what is going on, in how I feel about it all, and what I want to do. But I'm very disappointed that the blood pressure and potential problems have raised their head again so soon.

I go back again in 3 weeks.

The secret's out

In the last week, I've told my son, my parents, friends, neighbours, work, so I think it's about time I told the rest of the world.
I'm pregnant. 17 weeks. Baby is due on the 11th April.

My DH is pleased, but we were both a bit taken aback that it happened so quickly. DS is pleased, but more excited about his 7th birthday at the end of this month. And he's worried that the baby will eat his lego and break up his models. But there's plenty of time for him to get excited before April and I'm looking forward to sharing with him what's happening. He's started coming up to me and patting my stomach gently saying 'Hello baby' which is really sweet of him. I rather think the rest of my family is in shock!

So far I've had a lot more symptoms than when I was pregnant last time including the morning sickness, changing food tastes, unsettled stomach, bad skin and particularly the tiredness I was expecting. As long as the sky high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia don't return, I'm not going to worry.

I am disappointed that I don't seem to have a more helpful midwife than I had last time. Is it really too much to ask that a midwife take an interest in me as a person and not just in what's happening to my body? And am I really supposed to know everything and what questions I might want to ask when? I just wouldn't mind a bit of proactive advice at times.