Monday, April 02, 2012

Stepping back

I give up. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. And I feel like nobody cares either. I know it’s me and my problem, but I’m just fed up going round in circles getting nowhere. And I need to stop apologising to everyone and feeling like I have to justify my actions.

I don’t know whether I want to continue blogging or not. I’ve lost my voice, don’t have anything to say.

Reading blogs is very annoying for me at the moment too. So many bloggers sound so smug and happy in their own limited little worlds where they never acknowledge that anything ever goes wrong. Or maybe something bad happens one week, but by the following week they deny that the bad thing ever existed.

Personally, I believe that your blog should reflect all of who you are and that includes the bad bits. You don’t have to discuss them in all their gory detail, just acknowledge that life is not all sweetness and light and bad things happen and can have on-going repercussions.

I read a blog post a couple of weeks ago that I even found mildly insulting. Someone taking great pride in never having worked and flitting round like a butterfly from one random thing to another all day and how that could never fit into a working life. I think she’d be surprised what work can give you. But at the same time, am I also jealous of her way with colour and her supportive family? The supportive family, definitely, I could do with a supportive family, not the kids (my kids are truly wonderful), but I could do with some more supportive adults in my life.

And I’m really p!ss℮d off with my sore elbow. Had a cortisone injection last week, but it hasn’t worked. Back to square one. Maybe I need a complete break from crochet? (Please, no!) Although how much damage can 30 mins a day do?

But 30 mins a day so frustrating too – want to cram a little bit of crochet into every spare minute. And inspiration comes thick and fast and I have no time to do anything about it!

As I said, I know it’s me and my problem, just need to take a little time to feel more at home in my own head.

So I’m stepping back. Don’t know when or if I’ll be back here at all. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll come back as somebody else.


Stitched Together said...

I'm so sorry your elbow is still giving you so much trouble. It must be really hard to lose one of the things that gives you creative outlet. The only thing I can suggest is that if you can't actually crochet you need to make lots of notes and sketches about what you want to make when your inspiration strikes and you can't actually crochet. That way when you are able to do it again properly you will have a book full of things you want to make.

I too hate those blogs that seem to rub it in my face. My personal pet hates are those about perfect motherhood. I'm never going to have children as I can't look after myself let alone a child, and hearing how perfect it is to be a mother makes me want to slap someone, preferrably the blogger. I'm not stupid, I know that motherhood is incredibly hard and sometimes you want to bang your head against a wall to make it all stop. By pretending it is easy it deludes the young and naive into thinking it actually IS easy. I much prefer the real blogs that tell me how hard it sometimes is so I can remind myself about why I made the decision I did. If it was easy than maybe I could have done it, but I know that isn't true so I just get mad at the blogger. I accept that children are so wonderful and rewarding, what I don't accept is that they are never little horrors.

I'm sorry you aren't getting enough adult support at the moment. I imagine being a working mother is incredibly difficult and leaves you with a foot in neither camp so to speak. It must be hard to make really good friends who understand all of what you are going through and to actually find time for you to get together too!

I hope that as the weather gets brighter and warmer your elbow starts to feel less painful (I suffer less in warm weather, so I'm hoping you do too) and that you give the unhelpful adults in your life a kick up the backside!

Gillie said...

Me too, Lesley! I would hate to see you go. I haven't visited your blog for some time which I regret. Those crocheted animals... I want them! Absolutely gorgeous! Pain is very demoralising as I found the year before last when we were waiting, seemingly endlessly, to hear if we were to move to England. Cortisone took ages to kick in and it was so difficult to stitch so I can appreciate your difficulties. As to blogs, don't you think many people(especially Americans) do gloss over their problems, presenting a polished persona to the world. Who knows what is really going on in the life of the blogger you mention?

I don't work right now but I do hope I don't rub it in, as I was very sad to leave a job I LOVED but it was just how it was. I also tend not to post about problems, not that I don't have any, just that I choose not to!

I love your tassels, I have been thinking about picking up a hook again so definitely your post was an encouragement!

I like the idea of making notes as Stitched Together suggested but how about this?

Mostly a photo blog of your crochet pieces, your children, the area where you live but not many words? Just a thought, sending a big hug, whould be happy to email with you.

Anonymous said...

Lesley, maybe it is time to sit back and relax, mentally and physically. Just sit and think (so many things to think about...'is this what I want; if not what can I do about it'). Your happiness comes from within you, in other words, you create your happiness. You cannot depend on another person to make you happy; remember we are human, and we tend to be selfish.
I sincerely hope you come out of the cloud so that you can enjoy the sun; give it a try.
Best wishes,

barbara said...

I can't speak for anyone else but I try to keep my blog on a positive tone because it's the one little place in the world where I can ignore the negative crap, at least for a few minutes. If I detailed every setback, every argument, every moment of self-doubt I wouldn't want to read it, let alone expect anyone else to. Just me and my preference.

The Blissful Banter of a Creative Crafter said...

Hi Lesley,

I am a newcomer to your blog. I have to say I completely understand where your coming from. A large percentage of the bloggers are living in their own worlds. I for one enjoy your blog very much, I like your sense of color and whimsy. Some tiomes a break is what we need. Hope you feel better soon.

Marnie said...

Dear Lesley, I have enjoyed reading your blog for at least the last couple of years, and I totally understand where you are right now. Last fall, I had to step back from several things and blogging was one of them. I am back now and have learned a couple of things about myself and blogging. I've learned that blogging is truly a hobby; a stress reducer not inducer and the minute it starts to stress me out, I need to back away from it. I've learned that I really like the people whose blogs I read. I enjoy hearing about their cultures, their families, their creations and I miss them when I'm away from blogland. And, I miss them when they are away from blogland. There is definitely something unique about us that is not readily found "out there" in "normal" life. We see things differently.

And then there is life. Life can really suck a big one sometimes. I have had more than my share of it but I choose to keep it off my blog. Whenever I'm in a rough patch, I remind myself that Everything is Temporary. I don't blog bad stuff because then it's like I've immortalized it. It's not just temporary anymore b/c I've aired it out there in cyberspace for the entire universe to see. I like to look back at my blog from time to time for inspiration and I certainly don't want to reread/rehash some crappy crap fight I had with (insert any name here). But, I have to agree with you to a degree. When I read some blogs and all they ever say is how perfect the world is, I think one word: Polly-ana. Then I think, maybe I'm just jealous. Then I think, nah, I just live in the real world.

You live in the real world too. I really love Tintock Tap and hope you take as much time off as you need, but come back, refreshed, renewed.

Hugs from West Virginia!

Deb said...

Dear Lesley, my friend, I feel so bad that I haven't taken time to write you. I've been keeping my head above water psychologically with my reading and book reviews. Health issues being kept at bay every day... I don't take time to write friends when I should. I do know what you mean about airy and light-hearted blogs, but, frankly...I don't even have time to read them these days! I tune in to a few per week, but they tend to be the bookish type, and thank God those are more focused on the books than the people who write the reviews themselves! I'm not sure what that says, particularly, except perhaps those who read and write have less time to be jolly?! LOL Or, perhaps we're more focused mindfully rather than in another way. Take time out from reading other blogs for a while and just enjoy your own life and crafts, Leslie. Take time off from things that stress you or make you sad. Take quiet time for yourself. Make a small altar for yourself, even if it's your bedside table, where you collect small things that you love the look of...things you can see just before you go to sleep and just as you wake in the morning. Write yourself a note on beautiful paper, scent it with your favorite perfume and hide it in a special book so you can find it another day, go out an pick a flower to put on your nightstand. Do little things for yourself this weekend.
I want you to know I just mailed the little dragons out to the grandgirls for Easter, and can't wait to hear what they think of them. I'll be getting back to you on that. I hope you all have a very happy weekend, and that you know you are thought of from my end, even if I'm slow to write.
Sending many hugs, Deborah

Sarah in Stitches said...

Hi Lesley,

I'm pretty new to your blog (discovered it recently trying to find information about biscornus) but I LOVE IT! I hear your voice loud and clear, and I adore your designs and ideas. You have no idea how inspiring and exciting you are. I'm a relative beginner at stitching, and I'm definitely a beginner at blogging, so I learn so much from you.

I realize you're going through a hard time right now, trying to decide whether or not to keep blogging, but I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your work. I really hope you can find some kind of comfort in blogging, because you would be sorely missed!

Much love,
Sarah in Stitches

Karoline said...

{{{hugs}}} I hope you get some relief for your elbow soon & that the people around you find it in themselves to be more supportive.

Anonymous said...

I have been watching your blog for only a short while and after reading your post today, took the opportunity to look back over your work.

OH MY!! Stunning. What beautiful work you have produced.

I would love the time to blog and embroider and knit and crochet and post my progress online, but unfortunately my life is one of full-time work. An underachiever in the house-work dept, an over-achiever in 'pipe-dreams' dept and a 'do what I can when I can' creative soul.
I appreciate that you are feeling frustrated and sore and grumpy with the way things are at the moment but I really hope this will pass and you will get your mojo back soon.
Perhaps, instead of blogging you could just post photos of pieces of your past work to be re-admired again. I am always looking for inspiration and your blog is one I turn to regularly.
Life is what is it. I too know someone who has a life too good to be true and maybe it is. Mine might also have been different if I had made different decisions. I didn't. It is what it is.
Chin up.
(BTW you can repeat the cortisone injection. Many people need two goes to get any effect. I hope you rested it properly.)

Karen C

Anonymous said...

OK. It's been over a week now. It's time you read how much we love you and come back.
Karen C
(Pretty autumn leaves)

Val said...

I sympathise with the pain ... I have had problems with my shoulder since before xmas and sometimes the pain makes me crotchety, bad tempered and really fed up .. nothing the doc gives me takes away the pain and the cortisone injection only worked for a few days ! But you brighten the days of so many folks here so come back soon ...

Val x

Babs said...

I haven't been to your blog in a long time...your woes caught my attention because I felt like reading someones elses blog. Usually I'm too "involved" to read the list I have, and you're included on my bloglist as one of my fav's.
I've had my bad times on my blog, if you're writing from the inside out projecting more than your talent --well then...have at it. I'd say you're going through a "blue" period.
Many people take a hiatus from blogging. I think it's almost necessary to regroup and come up with all things fresh and new.
Whatever your outcome, I wish you the best.

Julie said...

Love the new background leaves, beautiful.
Hope you are feeling somewhat brighter. Xxx

Wendy said...

I'm new to your blog, bookmarked it a while ago and only just got time to visit.

I know what you mean about smug blogs, especially the SAHM ones, but we're not all like that. I like to tell my readers what particular disaster has befallen me this week, but I suppose it's all tongue in cheek.

I could say, don't let it get to you, these woman have problems, they just don't tell US, but that's a bit of a pat answer. So instead I'll say fuck them and their "perfect" lives.